I often see parents grappling with how to support their adult children through difficult times. You—like many parents I coach—want to help, but it’s easy to blur the line between empowering them and enabling unhealthy patterns. If your adult child is in a slump, here are four ways to be a supportive force in their lives while encouraging their independence.
1. Encourage a Mental Health Check-In
Sometimes, persistent struggles stem from underlying mental health challenges. Gently suggesting a professional evaluation can be a game-changer. For instance, when Caleb, 27, started isolating himself and dropping the ball at work, his mom, Elise, approached the issue calmly. “I see you’re having a tough time, and I’m here for you. Have you thought about talking to someone who can help?” This opened the door for Caleb to seek therapy, where he uncovered patterns of anxiety that had been holding him back.
2. Empathize to Create Safety
As I describe in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, empathy is the key to helping your adult child feel safe enough to open up. Resist the urge to rush to solutions and instead validate their emotions. “I can see this feels overwhelming for you right now,” goes much further than “You just need to get it together.”
Take, for example, Lila, 25, who felt like a failure after leaving a demanding college program. Her dad, Raj, told her, “You’re not alone in feeling like this. I’ve had tough times, too, and I know how hard it can be.” That moment of connection encouraged Lila to share more, allowing Raj to guide her toward her next steps.
3. Reflect Their Wins
Adult children often compare themselves unfavorably to others, which can fuel their feelings of inadequacy. As their parent, you can help them see their progress. When Mateo, 29, moved back home after a failed business venture, his mom, Carmen, reminded him of his resilience. “You took a risk that most people wouldn’t have the courage to take. That alone shows your strength.”
Celebrate small victories, too. If they landed an interview, completed a project, or even made a plan to move forward, reflect that back to them. Seeing their progress through your eyes can help rebuild their confidence.
4. Empower, Don’t Enable
There’s a fine line between supporting your adult child and enabling them. Empowerment means encouraging independence while offering guidance. For example, rather than paying Madison’s rent indefinitely, her dad, Victor, helped her create a budget and find part-time work to cover her expenses.
Empowering actions send the message, “I believe in your ability to handle this,” while enabling behaviors can unintentionally reinforce dependence. By focusing on building their skills and confidence, you’re setting them up for long-term success.
Final Thoughts
Helping your adult child out of a slump requires balancing empathy, encouragement, and boundaries. And remember, if their struggles persist, mental health evaluation is a crucial step that can uncover more profound challenges. With the right approach, you can be a steady source of support while helping them reclaim their strength and independence.