One of the first signs that a relationship partner is disconnecting is behaving in ways that push the other partner away. Whether by exclusion, rejection, erasing, or withdrawing, they are letting them know that they are slowly disconnecting from the relationship and may be signaling its eventual demise.
That dismissal becomes final if and when the relationship actually ends, but can be anguishing if it happens while the relationship is still intact. The partner giving clear signs of exclusion and rejection usually shows many signs that they are pulling away but may be unwilling or unready to acknowledge that because they are not ready to leave.
Living in a relationship in which a person’s needs are less and less fulfilled while the other partner denies the dismissal is a continuous heartbreak. Yet, many stay committed to the relationship even as they experience that process. As the dismissals accrue, they become more afraid to challenge the situation, fearing they will push their partner farther away. It is a no-win situation.
I reassure them that their partner’s behavior is a fact, not a figment of their imagination. They have the right to know what is going on and where they stand. If their partner avoids or invalidates their inquiry, they are sending a clear message that they are not committed to healing the breach they are creating.
If you are feeling dismissed while still in a relationship and unable to get sanity from your partner, you must rebuild your feelings of self-respect in the midst of being invalidated. Your partner’s signaling the potential end of a relationship should be your reason to resurrect your own integrity rather than continuing to sacrifice yourself.
Your chances of saving the relationship are zero if you continue the way you are. If, instead, you take back your personal integrity, face the situation with courage, and stop trying to make another accountable who isn’t interested in doing so, you will not only be more OK if the relationship does end but also have the only chance to prevent that from happening. You may not be able to save the relationship you are in, but you will not repeat these patterns in the future.
Answering the following questions might help you begin that journey:
1. Did your feelings of being dismissed begin in childhood? Children do not know why their caretakers treat them the way they do and often take the blame if they are not being given what they need to thrive. If you were given the feeling that you were a burden or that your needs were beyond what they could or wanted to give, you could have internalized those feelings of being “too much” early on in your life.
However your current relationship began, your partner is now acting as if your needs are inappropriate or too demanding, rather than the deeper truth of what they may be experiencing. Trust yourself to evaluate whether you are being told the truth.
2. Have you been dismissed in this way in prior relationships? Comparing your current situation to similar ones in past relationships can help give you the objective information you need to look at yourself authentically. Have others who loved you once begun pulling away in a similar manner? Are you unconsciously picking partners who tend toward emotional unavailability? If other people in your life do not pull away, your current relationship is the problem. If it happens elsewhere, you must look at your own behaviors that may be causing that to happen.
3. Have you ever experienced the reciprocal, where others have felt you dismissing them without helping them to know why or to work on the relationship? The answer to this question can truly help you put yourself on a continuum rather than seeing yourself as isolated in your interactions with others. Most people have known both ends of most continuums, having witnessed people playing both roles when they were young. Have you had friends you pulled away from because you felt they were asking too much of you? If you have known both sides of this, you can be more accurate in how this imbalance happens in your life.
Take a good look at how your partner is with others. Do they complain about others regularly wanting too much from them? Do they always blame the difference on the other’s wanting too much? When they are challenged to give more, do they threaten retreat or abandonment to get others to ask for less? If you chose them knowing that pattern, ask yourself why you chose them and are trying to change them.
4. Can you be objective when accessing your own capability to give and receive in a reciprocal way? This may be an important time for you to get some professional help to sort out what you are experiencing from what the actual situation is with your partner. If your partner acts as if you are wanting too much, ask yourself if that seems true. If you determine that you do, in fact, put yourself in jeopardy of being rejected by needing more than you can get, you may need to change your relationship patterns by not putting so much of your needs into a primary relationship.
If you regularly give more than you receive in most of your relationships, you may inadvertently have been choosing partners who accept that imbalance as something you are perfectly OK with. They do not feel the need to reciprocate because they never had to ask you to do what you do. When they begin to pull away, you might feel you’ve let them down and try to give more rather than recognize that the pattern is no longer working.
The Satisfaction of Stopping Intergenerational Dysfunction
So many hurtful and discouraging relationship patterns transfer from one generation to the other. Becoming a willing member of the generation that stops those toxic interactions and replaces them with healthy ones can help create the courage it takes to keep them from happening again. That commitment can keep a person who needs to end a relationship of dismissal feeling like they are fighting for more than just themselves.