Earlier this week, Princess Kate shared on Instagram that her cancer is in remission. She wrote, “As anyone who has experienced a cancer diagnosis will know, it takes time to adjust to a new normal.” The fear and shock that often accompany a cancer diagnosis are not limited to patients alone. Family members and close friends may also feel frightened and overwhelmed. Even with the best intentions, knowing the right things to say or do can be difficult. As a specialist in consultation-liaison psychiatry, I have spent decades working with patients experiencing coexisting psychiatric and medical conditions. Here are some strategies to help you effectively support a loved one diagnosed with cancer.
When someone’s life is suddenly upended by a cancer diagnosis, a profound sense of isolation may set in. This may seem counterintuitive, as family and friends often rally around the patient. However, despite the increased attention, this sense of isolation can arise for several reasons. Patients might feel compelled to maintain a positive facade, worrying that sharing their fears will upset loved ones or make them a burden. They may be physically limited by chemotherapy or other treatments that cause fatigue, compromised immunity, or other side effects. Sometimes, well-meaning family and friends avoid touching or hugging the patient, often because they feel unsure of how to interact with someone who seems fragile or has undergone profound physical changes such as extreme weight loss or surgical procedures. Others may withdraw simply because they do not know how to respond or what to say, leaving the patient feeling even more alone.
- Be helpful by offering specific concrete suggestions. Let your loved one know you are there both physically and emotionally, and above all, listen to what they need. If they express fear or frustration, respond in a way that shows you can handle their true thoughts and emotions, as feeling understood helps reduce loneliness. Instead of vague offers, propose tangible ways to help, such as offering to accompany them to chemotherapy sessions or follow-up scans. Perhaps suggest setting up a group email or chat so friends can stay updated and coordinate visits. It is important to be direct, such as “Can I pick up your kids from school?” or “What foods appeal to you that I could bring you?” Continue to show caring gestures, like hugs and gentle touches, which can provide a powerful sense of connection and support.
- Validate their feelings. It is natural to want to solve problems. For example, if the person expresses fear that their cancer may return after chemotherapy is completed, telling a patient to “think positively” can feel dismissive. A more helpful approach is to acknowledge and validate their concerns by saying something like, “This treatment is really tough to go through, and dealing with uncertainty is scary,” or “I believe you’re getting the best possible treatment, and I feel optimistic, and I understand that the uncertainty can still feel frightening.” People tend to feel more connected when their concerns are validated in this way.
- Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Show your concern by asking questions about what your loved one is experiencing while respecting their boundaries. They can let you know if they do not want to discuss specific details. Often, patients feel relieved to have the opportunity to discuss what they are going through. Listening without judgment and being open to hearing about their physical, emotional, and mental challenges can ease their sense of isolation.
The Journey Through Treatment Is Fluid
Dealing with cancer can feel like a never-ending roller coaster, changing a person’s life dramatically, both professionally and personally. Chemotherapy can last for many months and is sometimes supplemented by years of additional treatments. Radiation can span several weeks, followed by significant recovery time. Surgeries may require long healing periods, and it is not uncommon for a patient to undergo multiple operations. Even after treatment is completed, long-term monitoring with scans, blood work, and other tests can provoke significant anxiety. Patients may understandably feel elated to receive favorable results and crestfallen if results are not as hoped for. In these instances, they may need to quickly adjust to changes in medication protocols or other aspects of the treatment. Emotions often fluctuate, so it helps to meet loved ones where they are in the moment, as they may not have the bandwidth to focus on much beyond the present.
Outside Supports
Both patients and family members may benefit from professional mental health support to bolster coping skills. Many patients find solace in support groups that offer a sense of community and connection with others who truly understand what they are going through. Some seek guidance from a priest, rabbi, or other pastoral figure. Therapists who specialize in cancer-related stress can help patients work through emotional challenges surrounding diagnosis and treatment. Encourage your loved one to report any troubling side effects, such as nausea, headaches, or fatigue, to their oncologist, as these issues can often be addressed leading to improved comfort. In some cases, medications for anxiety or depression may be appropriate.
The Patient’s Personality Does Not Change
People tend to cope with cancer in the same way they manage other stresses in life. Someone who is naturally pessimistic will rarely transform into an optimist overnight. Some individuals adopt a problem-solving approach focusing on immediate tasks, while others prefer minimal discussion of their illness. Respecting their preferred coping style, rather than imposing your own, is essential. Likewise, try not to offload your own fears onto the patient to the extent that they feel responsible for supporting you. If you find yourself struggling with the emotional toll, consider seeking independent support from a friend or therapist.
Cancer is not a single illness; every patient’s journey is different. Yet there is a fairly universal feeling of life being turned upside down, with uncertainty and often intensive treatments becoming the new norm. The word “crisis” originates from the Greek krisis, meaning “turning point,” reminding us that a serious medical diagnosis prompts important decisions and invites us to encourage meaningful connections when loved ones may feel their most vulnerable.