Do you remember the time before we counted steps—when perhaps going out for some fresh air and exercise was the goal in itself? Then we started hearing about taking 10,000 steps per day to maintain a healthy body. Now, some people “have to get their steps in” every day, though there is not a consensus that 10,000 is a “magic number” (see, for example, Tudor-Locke et al., 2011).
When babies are breastfed, they eat as much as they eat and parents and doctors don’t even know how much it is per meal. When parents bottle feed, we tend to measure the ounces, monitor their intake, and fret over whether they are getting enough or too much.
When I was in high school, my parents had no idea about every test, homework assignment, and presentation. They were aware of my report card each term and that was about it. If I was feeling stressed over a task or assignment, they likely knew about that as well but that was generally the extent of their involvement.
When my children were in high school, the learning management system sent me notifications of assignments and grades from every class, every day. This was way more information than was useful. There were even times when the information was incorrect and I bothered my children about assignments that they did not actually have due or had already turned in.
Behavior Monitoring: Helpful or Harmful?
Monitoring behavior can change behavior. Self-monitoring has long been an important tool in psychotherapy (Korotitsch & Nelson-Gray, 1999). Food diaries and exercise trackers, trackers that monitor medication adherence, and star or sticker charts all have a purpose.
There are certainly situations in which it is helpful to monitor behavior. For example, it is useful to get baseline information. We need to know what we are starting with when we want to change. At the same time, monitoring what we do not need to monitor might lead to increased anxiety, additional self-judgment, and more stress. Think about whether these ring a bell for you.
- I have to get my steps in.
- I should make sure my child is doing their homework (even if this child is very independent with work).
- I don’t know if my baby is getting enough milk unless I measure.
“Have-tos,” “shoulds,” and fretting are all things we could do with less of. In psychotherapy, we often work to reduce self-judgment and “shoulds.” We put tremendous effort into reducing worry, and yet it feels like there are more and more opportunities for tracking and monitoring.
So, how do we manage this ever-mounting monitoring and accompanying judgments with the desire for a less stress-filled life?
Monitor What is Useful
Monitor that which is useful to monitor, those things on which we need to gather baseline data in order to take steps towards beneficial change. Think about what is useful about tracking.
Consider, too, the potential for unwanted consequences. Are you feeling additional unnecessary burdens? Are you judging yourself? Are you burdened with unnecessary “have-tos?” If so, ponder what can be let go, approximated, or judged without tracking.
Relinquish opportunities to add to your to-do list just because you can (and because lots of people are). Do not pay attention to social media sites where some intensely helpful person (often, with a crew of people creating a video for consumption) tells you how many days in a row they did whatever challenge they were “working” on. Note, too, that some studies have demonstrated a relationship between social media use and depression (for example Primack et al., 2021).
If you are trying to change your behavior, think about what information is helpful to track and monitor at that level. Do you need to measure every minute that you practice piano? If so, do it. If you just want to practice more days than you have in the past, perhaps just note which days you played and leave it at that.
Does your child need help remembering to brush their teeth but otherwise does it independently? If so, remind them—and then leave them to it.
If there is not a compelling reason to, then maybe you don’t need to measure your steps—you can just go take a walk. If your child does not need that level of watching and support, turn off those notifications. Does your baby seem content and growing well? If so, you likely don’t need to worry about the number of ounces they are getting at each feeding. Differentiate between those things you are monitoring for a reason and those things that have become a sense of “should.”
Pay attention, too, to natural signs of change—such as feeling good after a walk, your baby growing and developing, or your children learning and showing burgeoning independence. Trust yourself unless and until you have a reason not to.
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