Your 5-year-old wants to take Mr. Whiskers, your 15-year-old cat, to the supermarket. As you watch little Jimmy squeezing a meowing kitty next to the back door, should you
A. Tell him that you understand he loves spending time with the cat, but that cats don’t like supermarkets.
B. Demand that he put the cat down, who is about to scratch him, and put his shoes on to go.
C. Explain that his request is making you anxious and that putting the cat down will relieve your anxiety.
D. Just put a leash on the cat and head out the door.
The answer to this question might show you a lot about the way you raise children. Although no one question can truly pinpoint your parenting style, if you answered B, you might tend toward authoritarian parenting. An answer of D might put you in the more indulgent parenting category (or perhaps you’re just having a very bad day). But, if you chose A or C, you might be the type of parent who adopts some or all of the tenets of “gentle parenting.”
“Gentle parenting” is a new parenting approach widely endorsed by contemporary parents of young children. British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith is often credited with this parenting style through her publication of The Gentle Parenting Book.
The underlying principles of gentle parenting (referred to here as GP) encourage a relationship with your child based on connection and communication as opposed to rules and expectations. The approach emphasizes empathy, respect, understanding, and boundary setting. It contrasts with “old school” parenting (typically labeled as authoritarian), which relies on control and punishment.
In the case of our hypothetical cat-at-the-grocery store question, answer C puts the emphasis on the emotion of someone other than the child, which suggests the parent is attempting to build empathy, a key tenet of the GP approach. Note that answer A to our kitty question includes both a recognition of the child’s powerful emotions regarding the cat and an empathy-building comment about the cat’s experience, two approaches that are supported by GP.
The Birth of Gentle Parenting
Some have speculated that the birth of GP may stem from the rejection of how parents were themselves raised as children. A 2023 Pew Research Center study1 reported that 44 percent of respondents said they wanted to raise their children differently from their own upbringing. Many of those respondents noted that they would be less punitive and more gentle.2 Recent research done with self-identified “gentle” parents revealed a similar sentiment: they wanted to do a better job of child-rearing than their parents had done with them.3
The Pros and Cons
GP has received both praise and criticism. Comments range from “They’re such warm and supportive parents” to “They’re letting their child run wild.”
Proponents claim many benefits, asserting that interacting with your child gently
- contributes to a healthy parent-child relationship;
- helps children recognize and control their emotions;
- changes behavior without punishment by using discipline and consistent boundaries;
- develops positive social skills through modeling empathy, respect, and understanding; and
- builds a healthy foundation for relationships generally.
Critics claim that the approach
- is too gentle,
- provides insufficient parental control for behavior to change,
- is time-consuming,
- does not provide clear strategies for specific behaviors,
- overemphasizes the parent’s feeling responses to the detriment of the child, and
- is emotionally demanding.
There has also been concern that the principles were not born of scholarship and research and therefore lack sufficient validation.
Similarities to Other Researched Parenting Approaches
A number of parenting styles would appear to share commonalities with GP:
- “Authoritative parenting” is characterized by high warmth and structure.
- “Emotional coaching” emphasizes labeling of emotions, empathy for the child’s feelings, and problem-solving with the child to deal with upsetting situations.
- “Attachment parenting” centers on developing a secure relationship through warmth and responsiveness.
- “Positive parenting” emphasizes connecting with your child through listening and awareness of their emotions.
Clearly, specific elements of GP overlap with aspects of these parenting styles.
Research to Date
Despite its popularity and prevalence, GP has not yet secured scholarly research-based support. Its broad base has likely grown from endorsement by influencers and online coverage. This is not necessarily a bad thing but, rather, a statement about the current state of knowledge. Scholarly investigation has not yet caught up with this approach and provided experimental evidence to support it.
The first systematic review of GP was published in 20243 and offers insight into what GP is, as well as the characteristics of parents who endorse it. A number of findings are noteworthy.
What We Know About the Practice of GP
The researchers attempted to determine the nature and practice of GP. Participants were presented a list of 16 parenting adjectives and asked to identify (1) how they parented their own child, and (2) how they were themselves parented. Approximately one-half of the 100 parents, with at least one child aged between 2 and 7 years, endorsed adjectives consistent with GP. Three overarching themes emerged describing the specifics of the approach:
- regulating one’s own emotions,
- assisting children in regulating their emotions, and
- showing emotional and physical affection to the child.
In another portion of the study, researchers attempted to identify similarities between GP and other parenting styles. Based on the participants’ responses, similarities were noted between GP and the authoritative parenting style, the emotional coaching parenting model, and the positive parenting model.
What We Know About “Gentle” Parents
Gentle parents as a group tended to report high levels of self-efficacy and satisfaction but also tended to be self-critical.
What We Know About Child Outcomes With GP
Research on GP outcomes is lacking, but elements of the approach have some indirect support. This can be inferred from its similarity to other parenting approaches and the results from those studies:
- Authoritative parenting has been identified as the optimal style for parents based on its association with overall well-being in children.4,5,6
- Emotional coaching has proven to be largely positive and is associated with children experiencing less stress and having better self-regulation skills.7
- Attachment-based interventions have been shown to be effective in assisting parents and children build more secure and healthy relationships.8
- Positive parenting has contributed to multiple aspects of health and well-being in children and young adults.9,10
The jury is still out on the outcomes of GP. However, research from other parenting styles supports specific aspects of the approach. These include the importance of building a positive relationship with the child, focusing on the child’s feelings, and helping support the development of self-regulation skills in the child.
As much as parents would like a guide that has multiple-choice questions and clear answer keys, parenting isn’t like that. Learning about different techniques and seeing which fit your personality and your family’s style is a good start. Several chapters in my recent book explore parenting styles and their impact on children and offer a new approach to understanding specific parenting qualities. But parenting is a complex practice that shifts as your child matures, and each new scenario—whether or not it contains your family pet—will be sure to test you. No matter where you find your inspiration and knowledge base for parenting, it’s important to recognize that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all response and that unconditional love is the most important element in a strong parent-child relationship.