Many couples come to therapy because they are not getting anywhere with their conflict. I often hear this:
“We’re terrible at communicating.”
I’ve come to learn that this really means this:
“It gets heated, we get defensive, then nothing gets resolved.”
I’ll ask partners if they feel heard when they argue or closer after. Hands down, partners tend to feel the opposite: unheard and disconnected.
When emotional arguments motivate couples to come for counseling, though it’s painful, I see it as a good sign for two reasons: (1) partners might finally realize they can’t wing it, and (2) friction means they’re being called to grow, individually and together. For a higher love, this is the ultimate purpose of conflict in a relationship.
There’s the what and the how with conflict. What you’re fighting about and how you approach the issue. In my book, A Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship With Responsibility, Growth, Priority, and Purpose, I emphasize the power we have to turn our conflict into a tool for personal growth and for growing closer. It’s all about the “how.”
Here I’ll share four steps to approach your friction for a closer bond, starting with yourself.
1. Pause, to regulate your emotions.
One of the biggest mistakes partners make is negative urgency—that is, the impulse to engage from a state of negative emotional arousal. The research findings are robust here, that when we engage while emotionally charged, we are much more likely to respond aggressively. From the heat of anger, disgust, or insecurity, we are vulnerable to lashing out. We just want relief from our uncomfortable feelings and lose sight of how damaging our words and tone can be.
This is why the first step has to be the almighty pause. We need to slow down and connect with the part of us that is intentional and has perspective. For example, you can step aside, journal, go outside, straighten your closet, take a shower, or pause-breathe-relax (P.B.R.) for 5 seconds or 5 hours.
The key is taking responsibility for your emotional state regardless of how justified your feelings may be.
Many will ask me, “If I walk away, my partner thinks I’m storming off. We like to resolve things.” To this, I suggest preparing ahead, with something reassuring like the following:
“When I step aside after it starts to get tense between us, I’m not walking away from you or us. I need to get myself into a better state. I want us to come back when we’re calmer so we can work through it together.”
I suggest for many couples to use a silly code word representing the pause-to-get-calm idea, like “hedgehog” or “waffle,” because in a triggered moment, less is better. Pausing is the first action that says, “I am taking charge of how I handle myself.” That’s when you’re ready for step two.
2. Get in touch with yourself.
Once calmer, at least to some degree, it’s time to go inside. Turning within shifts the focus from external to internal. From blame to self-responsibility. You can ask yourself questions like these:
- Why is this issue important to me?
- What fears or insecurities might be surfacing?
- What do I truly feel and need?
- What is familiar here that might be from my childhood or history?
- How is my outer critic keeping me from looking at something inside myself?
These questions can help you feel more control as you harness the energy that wants to fly out of you onto your partner. It’s important to connect to your center point of calm and perspective for the next step.
3. Move into the right state of consciousness.
After turning inward, you are in a better position to choose a state of mind as you prepare for a conversation. When emotionally charged, we are simply not capable of setting an empowered intention. The goal is for our consciousness to be in charge of our feelings, not the other way around. Yes, listen to your feelings, but don’t assign them to the driver’s seat of your intentions, words, or actions.
Choosing a state of mind for harmony and growth can sound like the following:
- I want to make sure we both feel heard and understood.
- Finding common ground and feeling close is what I care about most.
- I want to use this conflict to grow personally and closer together.
- I choose to be calm and kind no matter what.
- I am grateful for all that I receive in this relationship.
4. Communicate using the “Love Seat Listening Method.”
The “Love Seat Listening Method” is a loving version of being in the hot seat, where partners take turns intently hearing each other in a neutral, structured way using some kind of a script. Yes, a script. We need help to tame our tendencies to judge, interrupt, and defend. A script creates guard rails to help the listening partner be more patient and attuned. In my book, I devote a whole chapter to this method, in great detail. For the sake of this post, here are three key questions the listening partner can softly ask their beloved when they’re in the Love Seat:
- Why is this issue is important to you?
- What is it that I’m not hearing that you really want to make sure I do?
- What is a small step I can take to be more in line with what you need?
Love Seat Tips
- Don’t rush when your partner’s in the Love Seat. Make sure they feel heard before you switch.
- You don’t need to agree, just listen intently. Recap and normalize what you hear.
- When you’re in the Love Seat, open with “I feel,” “I need,” versus “You this or that.”
- You can co-journal using these same questions and then take turns sharing what you’ve written.
- Extra credit: If your conversation goes well, you can agree to a personal growth question, like “Where do you see a growth opportunity here for yourself?”
In Sum
Approaching conflict intentionally requires tremendous patience, trust in the process, and personal responsibility. Most of us are not naturally skilled at this, so allow yourself to be in training. The effort is worth it because you’re worth it.