As we head into the new year, many of us are drawn to the promise of a fresh start. If you’re anything like me, the concept of New Year’s resolutions might stir up mixed feelings—hope, frustration, or maybe even a quiet eye roll at the memory of resolutions past.
Some of my past resolutions have looked like this:
- Quit sugar.
- Exercise every day.
- Eat healthier.
- Lose weight.
- Stop drinking.
(You get the idea—you’ve probably been here too.)
I’d usually start strong, sticking to my resolutions for a little while. But inevitably, I’d “slip up.” And when that happened, it felt like the whole year was “ruined,” so I’d throw in the towel and fall right back into my old ways.
Over time, I’ve reframed how I approach the new year and redeemed my relationship with resolutions. For me, this has meant exploring why we’re so drawn to fresh starts and reshaping how I think about intentions, goals, and values.
What Is It About Fresh Starts?
Resolutions tap into what’s called the fresh start effect, a concept explored by behavioral scientists Hengchen Dai, Katherine Milkman, and Jason Riis. They found that temporal landmarks—like the start of a new year, a birthday, or even a new week—boost motivation and goal-setting. This is likely why Google searches for terms like “diet” and “gym visits” spike dramatically at the start of a new year.
Why are we so drawn to fresh starts?
- A sense of separation: Temporal landmarks create a psychological “before and after,” making it easier to see ourselves as new and improved. For those of us prone to all-or-nothing thinking, this can feel especially appealing.
- Increased self-efficacy: These landmarks boost our belief that we’re capable of change, sparking a surge of motivation.
- Motivational energy: The idea of a clean slate creates a sense of renewal, making change feel more accessible.
While the fresh start effect can be a powerful motivator, it can also be a double-edged sword—particularly for neurodivergent people.
Neurodivergent Challenges with Fresh Starts
The fresh start effect resonates deeply with me, but my neurodivergent behaviors—including perfectionism, all-or-nothing thinking, and obsessive tendencies—have often turned it into a double-edged sword due to:
- All-or-nothing thinking: Fresh starts give me a sense of release from past mistakes, but as soon as I “slip up,” my brain convinces me the thing (be it a goal, the job, or a relationship) is “ruined.” I think, “I’ll just wait for the next fresh start.” This mindset doesn’t just show up in resolutions but also in relationships. If I feel like I’ve “failed” a friend, I retreat into shame rather than persist, convinced the relationship is irreparably broken and that it’s best to wait for the next friendship where I’ll somehow be mistake-free.
- Slip and abandon cycles: If I eat a single cookie while trying to stick to a sugar-free goal, my brain immediately writes off the entire day as a failure. I binge on leftover Halloween candy and vow to “start fresh tomorrow.” This cycle of abandoning goals at the first slip leaves me swinging between extremes.
- Overloaded aspirations: My obsessive tendencies often drive me to set ambitious, rigid resolutions. But when those lofty goals inevitably crumble, they leave me in a familiar place: shame and disempowerment. Instead of fostering self-efficacy, the weight of “failing” makes me feel further away from the person I want to be.
These challenges have taught me that progress isn’t linear and that growth doesn’t require perfection. The fresh start effect resonates deeply with me, but I’ve had to learn how to make peace with the messy middle—embracing imperfection, persisting through setbacks, and finding balance instead of chasing perfection.
How to Approach Your Next Goal Differently
Traditional New Year’s resolutions often focus on rigid goals, but for many of us, this can lead to frustration and burnout when life doesn’t go as planned. Over the past few years, I’ve reframed my approach to focus on values, intentions, and creating environments that support the person I want to become.
Here’s what I’ve found helpful:
1. Reflect on your values and intentions.
Grounding yourself in values, rather than rigid goals, can provide direction and flexibility. Think of values as your compass: they guide your choices without requiring perfection.
For example:
- Instead of committing to exercise every single day, focus on your value of health and ask how you can move toward it in sustainable, realistic ways.
Focusing on values allows for flexibility, making the process more forgiving and sustainable.
2. Move “toward” your values.
The concept of “moving toward” values comes from ACT therapy and has been transformative for me. Instead of asking, “Did I succeed or fail?” try asking, “Is this choice moving me toward or away from what I value?”
This shift helps me quiet my all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of expecting perfection, I now ask: Am I moving in the direction I want? This feels kinder and more sustainable — especially on the hard days.
3. Engineer your environment.
Success isn’t as simple as willpower or beliefs; it’s about designing environments that support the behaviors you want to cultivate.
For example:
- If you want to read more, place books in cozy, easily accessible spots around your home.
- If you want to reduce distractions, use screen time limiters or apps to gently nudge you toward activities that align with your values.
Just like companies design frictionless experiences to keep us scrolling, snacking, or streaming, I’m experimenting with ways to design my own environment—one that gently nudges me toward activities that are more aligned with my values and intentions.
4. Embrace “living in the gray.”
Perfectionism still tries to convince me that one slip-up means everything is “ruined.” For me, living in the gray means letting go of rigid ideals and making space for messy, imperfect progress. It’s not easy—my all-or-nothing brain protests—but sitting with the discomfort of imperfection is helping me move toward what matters.
This January, I’m focusing on reflecting on my values, setting intentions, and making small, meaningful adjustments. Whether you’re setting bold goals, reflecting quietly, or embracing self-compassion for past resolutions scattered along the way, I hope you find your own way to navigate this season—with clarity, curiosity, and care.