Gaslighting—manipulation that makes victims question what they know to be reality—can be subtle and difficult to recognize, but its impacts are long lasting. Recent research shows that, despite some theories that gaslighting is a “lesser” form of abuse, it results in consequences that are just as harmful as other types of psychological abuse. Especially in cases of chronic gaslighting, victims can experience significant interpersonal trauma and decreased self-worth.
Because gaslighting occurs in relationships, and healthy relationships are crucial to our well-being, it is a particularly cruel, insidious way to torment others. Gaslighters work very hard to get their victims to question the truth of what they see, hear, and experience, a tactic that makes it even more challenging for victims to confront what they know, on some level, is going on. If a manipulator can convince other people that their victim’s reality is untrue, the situation becomes exponentially worse.
Help prevent a gaslighter’s easy win
Gaslighting is very challenging to defend against, but there are a few ways of responding to it that will make abusers less likely to continue. The key is to make their attempts at gaslighting as uncomfortable as possible; usually, they will go for the “easy kill”—they don’t want to pick fights with someone who can hold their own. These abusers want to take advantage of individuals who have less power, fewer resources, and aren’t as capable of standing up for themselves. Those strategies are part of how they ensure a winning game.
To help you avoid falling prey to a gaslighter, learn some simple methods to stop them in their tracks—before it’s too late.
1. Refuse to engage. The golden rule in handling a gaslighter is refusal to engage. It will seem contradictory, and you will likely be viewed as “cold” or “unfeeling” by others, but, for your own protection, withdraw from combat as quickly—and as often—as you can.
There will obviously be times when individuals cannot disengage from an abuser, but in instances where it’s possible, gaslighting loses a lot of its power. That means not responding (no matter how horrible or hurtful the accusations are), blocking contacts on your phone and social media, and letting your loved ones know they, also, need to refuse contact.
Gaslighters will always take the easiest path. If they suddenly find you are non-responsive, and they can’t get to you through people close to you, they will often give up the chase. That doesn’t mean this is an easy way out; on the contrary, it can be extremely challenging when an abuser is trying to get a reaction out of you. They will insult, accuse, demean, and harass you in every way possible until they realize that every single attempt is being met with a stonewall of silence. The road here is painful in the beginning, and you will need to learn how to not take what you’re hearing to heart. But, if you’re able to hold out, peace will eventually come.
2. Speak only in scripts. Gaslighters love to argue. It’s the way they push your buttons and amp up your emotions, which, in turn, leads to your confusion. That makes you an easier target. If a gaslighter can get you emotionally charged and worked up, they have you dead in their sights.
To prevent that from happening, it’s crucial to learn how to respond to a gaslighter, as you won’t always be able to leave the relationship or situation. Instead of playing it by ear and falling into their arguments, try responding only in scripts.
Scripts are phrases or sentences—short, sweet, and to the point—that communicate your feelings and make it clear you will not play games. They can be as simple as “That is not how I experienced that situation” or “I am not going to talk to you about that.” Think about the arguments you most need to avoid with your gaslighter, write down a couple of statements that will shut down the discussion and leave absolutely no wiggle room, then practice, practice, practice.
When you employ a script, you must realize that you’ll be repeating it over and over. That will sound strange at first, and gaslighters will try everything in their power to reword their points and re-engage you—but you must stand strong. Do not veer off your script. Use it as often as you need to—verbally or in writing—until your abuser realizes they will never get anything more out of you on that topic.
3. Keep emotion out of it. To protect yourself in a gaslighting situation, you have to stay non-emotional—on the surface at least. These types of abusers want to get you to acquiesce, but they also desperately want to provoke a reaction out of you. Do not give them that pleasure.
Though some people believe you can “train” a chronic manipulator to recognize and respond more appropriately to your emotions, the safest route for you to take is to not let them into your emotions to begin with. Safeguard your feelings, refuse to let them be ripped open and exposed for someone to use as a weapon against you.
To keep your emotions under wraps, you will have to practice an internal dialogue that reminds you, constantly, that your reality is true. Give yourself credit. Tell yourself you know how you feel and refuse to personalize the attacks that will be launched your way. And those attacks will feel very personal—gaslighters thrive on intimately harmful abuse—but you must distance yourself from them. Eventually, when abusers see they can no longer get a reaction from you, they will move on to their next victim.
The effort will be worth it in the end
Gaslighting may seem like it’s not a big deal, but, over time, it can be one of the most painful types of abuse to experience—especially if you’re dealing with an abuser who has the skill to make themselves seem appealing (and like they are the true victim) to others. Eventually, most people will see through them, but that takes a lot of time and a lot of effort.
The best line of defense is to walk away from these types of relationships. That’s not always possible. When it’s not, practice these simple defense methods to help protect your sanity—and teach your abuser that not everyone is ripe for the taking.