Deciding to leave a relationship is hard, especially when you’ve been together for years. You’ve shared memories, maybe even bought some property and had kids. You’ve probably thought about it for months before making the final decision. So put some thought into how you’re going to end it. The ending will leave a scar, but you can manage how deep the scar is.
“It’s not you; it’s me” is the wrong place to start
Respect them enough to give them an honest reason. No one believes those lines anyway; no one has ever been convinced by “it’s not you; it’s me.” Similarly, don’t bury the lead with gratitude for all the ways they’ve been a great partner. They’ll know what’s happening. Get to it.
Some things should be obvious: do it in person (and for heaven’s sake, don’t do it over text like a teenager). Do it somewhere private. Do it when there are no other big distractions. Do it when you both have time to properly talk. Look them in the eye like an adult when you say the hard part.
Other than that, there’s no perfect way to end a relationship; no perfect set of words. But here are some principles to carry yourself with grace.
Be direct, as early as possible. Give them a chance to save the relationship if you’re open to it. But if you’ve made your mind up and there’s no going back, be honest about that. Don’t prolong everyone’s pain — and pretend you’re being the good guy — by giving it another chance, if you’ve already made your mind up. And don’t put your partner through couples counseling if you know that will go nowhere.
Explain yourself in brief, giving honest, specific reasons about incompatibilities or unmet needs, where you can. Think about it in advance; it’s unlikely the right words will come out spontaneously. This isn’t about blame, so don’t pick on their faults. “We aren’t compatible and we want different things” is better than “You’re too focused on work, and you’ve never wanted kids with me.”
Sometimes, there won’t be a reason any better than “I don’t feel the way I used to.” The feeling is gone, and there’s nothing more to be said. That’s fine. And much better than some nonsense about how you’re not ready for a relationship or that your partner deserves someone better than you. Don’t make their decisions for them; remember, they aren’t breaking up with you. You’re breaking up with them.
How to handle the aftermath
Don’t stick around too long once you’ve said what needs to be said. Most people want to be left alone when they’ve been “dumped.” They want the chance to cry, to call friends and family. They won’t want to cry on your shoulder. And if they do, ask yourself how helpful that really is, for either of you.
They won’t want you in the next room when they talk to their friends. So do the deed, and then leave. Don’t ease your guilt by trying to make sure they’re OK. They won’t be. You’ll have to accept that. We hurt each other when we end relationships. That doesn’t make you an awful person. But you’re not the right person to ease their pain or help them through this next phase of life.
But don’t disappear for too long or entirely. You owe it to your ex to check in on them from time to time. They might want to talk with you at some point, once they’ve done some grieving. Give them that opportunity, even if it’s painful and awkward. If they want complete separation, and you want to talk, tough luck. They get to choose. You don’t. This isn’t about staying friends (that’s a separate question); it’s about helping them make sense of what happened and helping them move on.
Slowly disengage from this point. Stop following them on Instagram. Give some thought about which mutual friends you reach out to, and how to do that in a considerate way that makes it easy for your ex to stay friends with them, too. Loyalty pledges are for children; don’t demand your mutual friends side with you. Again, you’re the one doing the breaking up, so if they want to continue going to the salsa classes, whisky tasting, or book club you went to together, step back and let them.
Questions like who gets to keep the dog, and arrangements for custody of any children are of course more complex and delicate to navigate. That’ll likely take time, a number of conversations, and possibly some professional help to work out. Don’t try and do all that in one breakup conversation. It’s not the right time.
The final thing to consider is yourself. Pause to feel the pain of the breakup. Don’t rush into something new. Take some time to re-assess. Why did this relationship not work out? Should you have ended it earlier or confronted difficult feelings sooner? What did you learn about yourself? What do you want to get from this next phase of life?
The bottom line
You owe it to your partner to end the relationship like a grown-up. It won’t be easy, but you’ll feel better for doing so, and so will they. You’ll still likely feel guilty and upset. But remember that there is no perfect way to break up with someone. Do your best. Own your reasons and your decision; deliver the news with compassion and clarity; give them space; don’t try to rescue them. Take a breath for yourself. And move forward.