In this fourth of a five-part series on the fundamental tools that should be in our self-care tool chests when we come from relational trauma backgrounds, we explore another proverbial drawer: coping tools.
What are coping tools?
I gave a brief overview of this in my first post in this series. Still, to reiterate, coping tools, in essence, refer to the in-the-moment techniques individuals use to manage challenging, big-feeling situations.
And for those of us from relational trauma backgrounds, challenging situations can be “objectively” small moments that subjectively feel huge and overwhelming (especially before we’ve done more of our processing work in stage two of the treatment model).
It behooves all of us to have a rich and full drawer of coping tools since we’ll likely be using them a lot.
Many of these strategies are derived from dialectical behavioral therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, two gold-standard therapies for distress reduction.
Fifteen coping tools
- Mindfulness practice: Mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment without judgment. Observing your thoughts and feelings without reacting to them can cultivate a sense of calm and reduce the impact of distressing emotions. Try to take a few minutes each day to practice this awareness, noticing your breath or the sensations around you.
- Radical acceptance: Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like your situation, but acknowledging reality as it is can significantly reduce your distress. Embrace your current situation without trying to change it, and you may find that your frustration decreases. Remember, acceptance is about facing facts, not about giving up. You can still work towards change.
- Distraction techniques: When emotions become overwhelming, sometimes the best approach is to give your mind a break. Engage in activities like reading, watching a few minutes of Netflix, or pursuing a hobby to temporarily shift your focus and lower the emotional intensity.
- Self-soothing: Utilizing your five senses can help create a soothing environment. Listen to calming music, touch your skin, take a warm bath, or enjoy a comforting scent (ideally, all of these at once). Research shows how these multi-sensory experiences can provide immediate comfort and reduce distress.
- Pros and cons: When facing distress, weighing the pros and cons of tolerating it versus avoiding it can be helpful. Write down the benefits and drawbacks of confronting your distress head-on compared with escaping it. This process can aid in making more rational decisions during stressful times (and I’ll say, for me, rarely does the distress of avoiding ever outweigh the distress of confronting).
- Improve the moment: Through imagery, meaning, prayer, relaxation, one thing at a time, vacation, and encouragement. Techniques like visualizing a peaceful scene or taking a brief mental break can help improve your mental state during distress.
- Skills from DBT: Use temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation. Splash cold water on your face, do some quick physical activity, or practice deep breathing to quickly lower emotional arousal.
- Opposite action: Acting opposite to your emotion-driven urges can be an effective coping tool. For example, if you feel like isolating yourself, engage with others instead by texting your friends or going outside and talking to that neighbor in their yard. Counter-intuitive though this may seem, it counteracts negative emotions and promotes positive behaviors.
- Self-compassion: Obvious as it seems, be kind to yourself, especially during times of distress. Practice self-care and speak to yourself in a supportive and understanding way. This coping tool can help mitigate the effects of distress and help rewire your neural pathways for more functional, adaptive thoughts and behaviors.
- Grounding technique: Grounding involves focusing on the present by noticing physical sensations around you. This might include touching a textured object or listening to the sounds in your environment. Grounding can anchor you to the present moment and reduce distressing thoughts. I encourage my clients to wear fidget rings or have tactile objects on their desks like Kush balls or other fidget toys.
- Check the facts: Examine the accuracy of your distressing thoughts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are based on facts or assumptions. Ask, “Do I know with 100 percent certainty that this is true?” Challenging and finding the lack of truth and unhelpful thoughts can reduce distress.
- Participating in activities you enjoy: Stating the obvious here, but try to do activities that bring you joy and satisfaction. Whether it’s video gaming, Zoom, cocktails with girlfriends, or puttering in your kitchen listening to audiobooks, these activities can distract from distress and improve your mood (and also make you feel like you have a life).
- Building mastery: Building a sense of competence and accomplishment can be very empowering. Set small, achievable goals and work towards—level 1 in Duo Lingo then level 2. A one-mile run at 4.5 mph, then 5 mph, and so on. This increases self-confidence and reduces feelings of helplessness when you demonstrate to yourself both your agency and capacity for mastery.
- Mental grounding: Engage your prefrontal cortex and reduce the hijacking of your limbic system by thinking of categories such as musical instruments or types of trees and then listing as many as possible. Another method is to recite something you know by heart, like a poem or song, which helps distract and center your thoughts
- Use humor: Humor can be a great way to diffuse distress. Despite how much I love it, there’s a big difference in my mood and nervous system when I switch from binge-watching Game of Thrones to watching The Office. Dose yourself with comedy as a distress tolerance coping skill (and give yourself a break from the wonderful but usually mega-heavy HBO goodness there is).
I hope that even one of these coping tools feels helpful for you to read about and add to your self-care tool chest.
THE BASICS