We are told not to ignore our emotions, but given how debilitating and painful they feel, why not block them out? What’s the harm in trying to push them away?
Fighting Emotions Is a Losing Battle
Why fight a battle you are guaranteed to lose? Emotions are part of a natural biological process. Attempting to deny or suppress them is like trying to stop yourself from experiencing hunger or thirst. While you can distract yourself temporarily, these signals persist because they serve an essential purpose—to guide you toward physical health. Similarly, emotions exist to guide you toward psychological health.
Ignoring Emotions Only Makes Them Louder
Trying to push emotions away always leaves you drained and defeated. The harder you fight, the stronger the signal. Ignoring these signals only allows unresolved issues to fester, creating larger problems over time.
Consider a toothache: Ignoring the pain might lead to a severe infection that spreads. Similarly, dismissing emotions allows unresolved problems to grow unchecked, often making them harder to address later.
Quick Fixes Backfire on Emotional Health
When we try to escape unwanted emotions, we often turn to quick fixes. Some, like alcohol, overeating, or excessive screen time, are clearly unhealthy. Others, such as meditation, exercise, or staying busy at work, are positive on the surface; they can help lower the intensity of our emotions so that we can more effectively confront our feelings. However, if these behaviors are used solely to distract from emotions rather than addressing them, they are serving to mask the underlying issues.
For instance, one of my clients would nap as a quick fix to distract from her distress around end-of-life concerns and her declining health. While this avoided the discomfort of confronting her unwanted emotions, it did not address the reason for her distress in the first place. After exploring the values that underscored her distress, we uncovered her desire to make amends with a family member before she died. Doing so ultimately led her to a greater sense of peace.
Suppressing Negative Emotions Dims Positive Ones
We can’t selectively turn off our negative emotions while keeping the positive ones present. The good and bad are deeply intertwined. When we suppress unwanted emotions, we inadvertently shut off our access to positive emotions. It’s like having a dimmer switch connected to all the lights in the house: When we try to dim negative emotions, all emotions become muted. Over time, this narrowing of emotional scope can lead to apathy and depression, robbing us of the richness life has to offer.
For example, avoiding grief also blunts love. And the question becomes this: Do you want a life without love? To fully embrace positive emotions, we must also be willing to make space for the difficult ones.
Losing Our Emotional Compass
Emotions act as a compass, pointing us toward what matters most. They highlight our values and provide clarity about where to direct our energy. Ignoring them is like shooting the messenger because we fear the message. The emotion itself is not the enemy; it’s an ally, providing the information we need to thrive. (See this post for more on how to use our emotions as a guide.)
Without this guidance, we lose touch with the values that make life meaningful. Suppressing emotions leaves us adrift, disconnected from the very things that bring purpose and fulfillment.
Is Fighting Your Emotions Worth the Cost?
Ignoring our unwanted emotions may give us temporary relief, but is it worth it in the long run? When deciding whether to fight our emotions, it helps to ask ourselves these questions: Are we willing to fight an unwinnable battle? Do we want to live in apathy, or embrace the full spectrum of emotions—both good and bad? And are we willing to feel discomfort if it means living in alignment with our values?
As you might imagine, once we stop fighting our unwanted emotions and learn to accept them, we open the door to a richer, more connected life.