The holidays are typically assumed to bring happy families and festive gatherings. But for victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) or for those at risk, this time of year can actually be one of anxiety and fear. Rather than feeling joy about the coming holidays, many of my clients know that this time of year will bring increased tension and abuse in their partnerships and homes. As my client Alison said recently, “The holidays usually feel less like a time of celebration and more like a countdown to the inevitable blowup.”
Domestic abuse does not take a holiday.
Studies have shown that the incidence of IPV tends to increase during the holiday season.1,2 Several factors have been found to contribute to this increased risk:
1. Increased stress and expectations
The holiday season is often associated with heightened expectations, both socially and personally. Many of us feel pressure to meet the social obligations associated with this time of year: buying expensive gifts, preparing elaborate meals, and other “must-dos” in order to create the “perfect” holiday experience.
This pressure often brings increased stress, anxiety, and frustration and can exacerbate existing tensions in families and relationships, triggering abusive behaviors. Many of my clients feel the weight of this pressure, especially when hosting holiday meals for in-laws and extended families, knowing that the expectations around these gatherings go well beyond the food.
2. Alcohol and substance use
The holidays often involve increased consumption of alcohol and other substances, which can quickly escalate conflict whether or not substance abuse issues are already present3. For victims, this can mean more frequent verbal attacks, physical violence, and emotional manipulation.
Alcohol consumption is often encouraged in social gatherings, especially during the holidays, which can make abusers feel even more of a sense of power and control due to this behavior being excused. For many victims, this means that a social event often comes with fear and anticipation of their abuser’s potentially volatile and unpredictable behavior.
3. Isolation and lack of support
Although it may seem ironic to outsiders, the holidays can be extremely isolating. Not only are most of the victim’s friends and social supports busy with their own family gatherings, but the pressure to be with family during this time can prevent them from reaching out for help. For some, holiday celebrations can also bring physical isolation, with many healthcare centers and other support services closed or having reduced hours, which limits the ability to seek help when needed. Abusers often take advantage of these circumstances, reinforcing their control over their victims.
My client Joy is expected to visit her in-laws every Christmas, which involves a 10-hour plane ride to another continent where she does not know the language or laws. “Whenever I am packing, and my coworkers ask me if I am excited about my holiday trip, I just want to cry—I can’t tell them how scared I really am! It’s so embarrassing,” she said.
Victims may feel shame and guilt during the holidays, both due to the abuse they experience and the embarrassment that comes from not having the “normal” and happy holiday that everyone is expected to have. Society often places so much emphasis on family unity and togetherness during this time that it can feel like there is something wrong with us if we don’t feel the same. Like in Joy’s case, this can increase feelings of isolation, as victims may fear judgment from others who do not understand.
Creating a Safety Plan for the Holiday Season
1. Recognize when things are getting bad.
Many victims just know when their abuser is starting to escalate, but this is not always the case. Some abusive behavior seems to come out of nowhere and can be difficult to predict or plan for.
Pay attention to patterns like arguments escalating quickly or changes in mood when your partner is intoxicated or under stress. If you feel you are constantly walking on eggshells, or if you see them lashing out at others, this is a big warning sign.
2. Have a list of contacts.
If you are traveling out of the country, it is helpful to know the local emergency number or a safe cousin or family member who you can trust to support you. Even just having a friend back home to text or call can help provide support when needed. Keep your phone charged and easily accessible, and always let friends and family back home know where you are.
3. Create a code word or phrase.
Develop a secret code with trusted friends or family that signals you need help immediately. Something innocuous that lets others know to call the authorities is the best idea if you feel you won’t have any privacy. Some examples are: “I’m wondering if you heard if that meeting next week is rescheduled.”
4. Pack an inconspicuous emergency bag.
I often tell my clients to pack a small emergency bag that is not obvious and easy to hide, amongst other things. I usually recommend that it contains copies of important documentation such as legal documents, identification papers, a few days of medications, a backup phone charger, and some cash. Keep this with you if you are traveling, or just keep it somewhere safe if you are staying local.
One of my clients keeps hers in a friend’s trunk so it won’t be located accidentally. Pack a bag with food, water, medications, and other needed items for children and pets in case you need to leave quickly.
5. Have an idea where you can go and how you will get there if you have to leave.
This might look like staying with a friend or trusted family member, a shelter if one is available, or a hotel room. Plan to take your car, have a friend or family member available to pick you up, or look up local public transportation routes to use in an emergency. Designate a place where your child can go if things escalate (e.g., a neighbor’s home or the home of a trusted family member).
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.