I think most people are aware of the need for consent in new relationships, and caution is taken when approaching personal boundaries. This is relevant for sexual intimacy and in general. It’s just as important in long-term relationships and needs to be considered as well.
When it comes to sex, even if you have been together a long time or are married, you still need to discuss consent about touch. Spousal rape is, unfortunately, a common issue; some people think, “If we are committed, you have agreed to have sex with me whenever I want.” If your partner is not interested, you should not be pushing them to change their mind. Would you have done that on your first date? Hopefully not.
Being committed or married does not mean you have to consent to sex when your partner wants it, and that needs to be respected. When boundaries are pushed, it creates a negative experience, which damages trust and connection in the relationship. Consent is important for safety, whether it’s for sex or another boundary.
1. Reaffirming Boundaries
A study published in The Journal of Sex Research (2019) found that couples who explicitly discuss boundaries experience higher levels of emotional security and satisfaction. This can center consent discussions as ongoing and not one-off conversations.
It’s important to discuss our boundaries often as they change over time. If you assume how your partner feels, you can unintentionally ignore their consent. A simple opener of “Hey, are you up for intimacy today?” can open the conversation about sexual boundaries. Here are some ideas to further discuss:
- Discuss how you prefer to initiate sex in a way that involves consent.
- Ask each other for examples of things you would like to obtain consent about.
- If something comes up, bring up your boundary in the moment and how you would like it to be addressed.
2. Definitions of Intimacy
Intimacy, of course, is more than intercourse and can involve many different forms of physical touch and emotional connection. Throughout a long-term relationship, your preferences for intimacy may change due to stress, hormones, health issues, etc. Having recurring discussions where you check in about this incorporates consent about what kind of connection you want.
A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (2021) shows that couples who explore varied expressions of intimacy report greater satisfaction in their physical and emotional lives. Try discussing these topics:
- Discuss any intimate acts you are not comfortable with and don’t want to engage in.
- Define the ones you may sometimes be open to and how to ask for consent.
- Explore alternate ways to be intimate together.
3. Breaking Harmful Stereotypes
Another reason to discuss consent is to break harmful stereotypes that may be affecting your relationship. Traditional gender roles may be a preference and work for some couples, but not for all. Stereotypes about who should initiate, who is in control, who should have more desire, and the worth of an orgasm could be affecting your consent. It can come from either party by pushing our partner’s boundaries due to our own assumptions or accepting our boundaries being pushed because of a societal stereotype about our gender.
A 2020 study from Frontiers in Psychology emphasized that open discussions about consent help dismantle preconceived notions, leading to healthier and more equitable partnerships. Communicating about these topics will help build safety between you. Try these examples:
- Discuss what stereotypes and gender roles you have heard of, even if you don’t believe them yourself.
- Share any expectations you have that you feel may be harmful to you or your partner.
- If you have past examples, discuss how they have affected you.
4. Build Open Communication
Communication is the root of successful relationships. Create a culture of open communication in your relationship where you feel safe to discuss your boundaries, feelings, and needs. This will allow you to consider consent and feel comfortable to say yes or no when asked.
Couples who communicate more report more feelings of mutual respect. A study from the International Journal of Sexual Health (2022) notes that couples who engage in ongoing consent discussions report lower conflict rates and a stronger sense of connection. Some suggestions for how to open communication:
- Set daily, weekly, or monthly check-ins about your relationship.
- Make time for your partner when they have something important to discuss.
- Hone in on your listening skills, listening with the goal of understanding and not just responding.
Conclusion
Be mindful that consent is not an unchanging agreement but an ongoing conversation. We must consider our partner’s needs and the best way of doing that is to talk about it.
Consent can also look different for every person; someone may need to be explicitly asked if they want to have sex, but another may just need a nonverbal signal to lean in. The important part is that it’s discussed and clear between all parties. The goal is to deepen connection, nurture trust, and maintain emotional closeness, and consent is a great aid for couples to meet those goals.