Imagine you are in a lovely long-distance relationship. You videoconference and text every day, meet up in person every few months, and plan your life together. One day, you are surfing Facebook and find fresh wedding photos of a happy couple with their family and friends. The strange part is that your lover is the groom, and his ex-girlfriend is the blushing bride. Surprise! Now what do you do?
This was the predicament of a woman we will call Tammy. She was surfing Facebook and saw wedding pictures—but her current boyfriend was the groom. After the shock subsided, she called him up. He immediately reassured her it was a misunderstanding and that he was devoted to her. Tammy’s head was now spinning, and she sought help. She posted her situation on the website Ask Metafilter to get feedback on whether she was just being “silly” to think something was wrong. Here is what she wrote: “He told me that it was from a video that his university is making for new students to show how glamorous graduate school life can be (he’s a professor and an alum). Am I being irrational in doubting him?” She wanted to believe him and explained: “He said he thought it wasn’t important enough to mention to me…If I think about all the time we spend IMing and calling and Skyping, he couldn’t possibly also be married, right?” She was asking for a second opinion because she didn’t want to pester him and “fall off a cliff of crazy and alienate him.” She even complimented his handling of her questions: “He was understandably reluctant to talk about the photos, but he took the time to be patient and to explain…[saying that] if he were married, she would be with him at home, and he wouldn’t have been able to Skype.”
So that solves that, right? Well, uh, no. The responses on Ask Metafilter were swift and searing. Although many tried to be respectful to poor Tammy, they were overwhelmingly skeptical of her boyfriend’s claim. Some of the more polite questions included:
- “Does it make sense to you that your boyfriend wouldn’t mention being involved in a PR photo shoot? With his ex-girlfriend?”
- “No school I’ve ever gone to or heard of uses footage of a fancy wedding to entice students or faculty. They especially don’t create extra family photos to include as props.”
- “Either you are in a romantic comedy Adam Sandler couldn’t pull off or you’re dealing with sociopathic-level behavior.”
One advised: “Please listen to your gut on this one.” The problem was that her emotional entanglement, or what could be called her gut, was part of her self-deception. She was so smitten she couldn’t see reality. Her infatuation was talking her out of her common sense. In this battle between emotion and logic, emotion was winning. The battle began when she first saw the Facebook posts. Her rational mind cried that something was very wrong with this posted picture. But this warning was drowned out by her heart—No! He loves me. This cannot be real!
She likely spent some painful hours with these two voices arguing back and forth. Fortunately, her logical brain had enough persistence to reach out for help. After she got a boost from crowdsourced common sense, she again called her boyfriend. After more dodging, he finally admitted that he “was engaged.” This was a weird response since Tammy had already seen his wedding, but clearly, the truth wasn’t a strong feature of this relationship.
Tammy was crushed as reality started to sink in, but her internal war continued. She wrote a follow-up post: “I’m angry and heartbroken, and I don’t know what to do when part of me is so betrayed and the other part still loves him. Crazily enough, that part of me that cares about him is even a little glad that he found someone he really loves. But I don’t know what my tomorrow morning will be like without a good morning text from him, without hearing his voice. Everything is so surreal. He asked me for another Skype tomorrow, and I think it really, really needs to be the last time we talk for a long time.”
Tammy’s experience of going back and forth between her emotional heart and her logical mind is a good example of how people react in relationships. This two-part process, and the impact it has on love lives, is important. The brain processes in two ways, and these can be likened to a heart, which is intuitive and quick, and a mind, which is reflective and rational. Let’s compare the heart and mind to a horse and a rider. Each has a role in helping partners connect in honest and meaningful ways. For example, both heart and mind are needed to be wise. The mind may rely too much on matchmaking formulas or logic, and the heart may be too easily swayed by emotion.
This is what happened with Tammy, who wasn’t getting enough complete information to make a good decision with her long-distance boyfriend. Her virtual reality relationship became distorted by the biases of a lonely heart. I have seen many clients who rushed into relationships before spending enough face-to-face time together. A common remark of these speedy lovers is that they didn’t know each other well enough. They were influenced by heart biases without getting heart wisdom.
The heart may detect warning signs that the mind misses. Creepy or dangerous vibes are often discernible, and if you are getting a bad feeling, you should take heed. Sometimes nice people get talked out of their feelings or rationalize away their good sense—I didn’t feel comfortable going home with him, but he just seemed so nice! Manipulative dates can talk someone out of their intuition, or override “no” answers by being persistent and confusing. When things are ambiguous and troubling, it is often good to listen to the heart.
Conversely, the heart can be the driving feeling of love that helps us connect with others and find happiness even when our logical brain might not understand all the reasons for the chemistry. In matters of love, both thoughts and feelings are necessary and helpful. In relationships, take the time to understand what your heart and mind are telling you, and this will help you connect with others with your whole soul.