This time of year always brings mixed emotions for me. I enjoy the cooler weather, the holiday music, and the yummy treats that hit store shelves. But at the same time, the holiday season brings a reminder of what I never had: a healthy, safe family.
As the season progresses, advertisements and social media bombard us with images of happy families gathered around the dinner table, laughter echoing in the background, and it’s easy to feel a sense of longing for what seems so foreign. These days, it can seem like everyone has a happy family to go home to. “It just feels like the holidays rub your face in it,” a client who is navigating family estrangement recently told me.
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, warmth, and familial bonding. But for survivors of abusive or traumatic homes, the season can amplify feelings of grief, resentment, sadness, and other feelings, since our memories of holidays are often laced with fear, anxiety, and conflict. While society celebrates traditions of family togetherness, many of us feel isolated. The disparity between our lived experiences and the idealized version of family life can deepen feelings of isolation and other negative feelings.
“While there were certainly pleasant moments, I don’t remember a year when there wasn’t conflict, tension, and discomfort,” another client said.
I can relate. For me, even the phrase “home for the holidays” has always been confusing. I know what I am supposed to feel: happiness and comfort. Yet, instead it brings up feelings of grief and longing. Year after year, I would watch friends and colleagues have normal, healthy interactions with their families during this time, making it look so easy. So home I would go, excited that maybe this time we would have a happy holiday together, only to find the cycle of dysfunction repeated.
As a child, I blamed myself. But now I know I have the power to change this.
While we were likely powerless to change our family dynamics, we now have control over what we will and wont allow ourselves to tolerate. Many have found things that work for them in order to make it through the holiday season. Following are some of those strategies:
1. Set boundaries. Boundaries can look different for each of us, but they frequently involve things such as limiting time with family (or with certain family members), avoiding triggering conversations (such as leaving the room when they talk about weight or make cruel comments about others) and setting limits about your time.
Boundaries are essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. Setting boundaries with family or during social events can create a safer space to navigate the season. It’s okay to decline invitations or leave gatherings early if they become overwhelming, or to only attend those events where you feel welcomed and valued.
“I used to dread family events because I would have to answer uncomfortable questions about my sexuality,” said Melinda. “But, as soon as I started putting up the boundary of what I will and will not talk about during family events, I am much less tense.”
2. Acknowledge, and validate, your feelings. This might seem simple and even insignificant, but the act of acknowledging your feelings can be validating and healing. Allow yourself to acknowledge—and feel—what you feel, whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion. Trying to ignore or even deny them can make them worse. At the same time, be cautious of euphoric recall, a psychological phenomenon in which people tend to amplify or exaggerate positive memories and feelings while suppressing negative ones (and the emotions tied to them).
“Now that I have given myself permission to acknowledge the discomfort I feel I find that I am better able to come up with a solution to protect myself,” said Shannon.
As you navigate social gatherings or obligations, you may feel pressure to mask these feelings, putting on a façade that everything is fine, which can lead to increased stress and emotional fatigue. This does not mean you have to let them control your holiday season, which is where this next step can help.
3. Create new traditions. Instead of trying to replicate a past that was painful, consider creating new traditions that resonate with your values and experiences. Whether it’s spending time with friends, volunteering, or practicing self-care, focus on activities that foster a sense of safety and joy.
“I no longer attend holiday events with my father, because he refuses to acknowledge my partner,” said Frank. “Instead, we have created our own family tradition where we go for a drive to look at Christmas lights.”
4. Surround yourself with people who make you feel wanted and valued. Spending time during the holidays with those who understand you and who do not judge you will help remind you that you’re not alone. Friends who pressure or guilt trip you that you “should” be with family on these specific holidays might not understand what it took to get you to this point, and may not be the best choice during this time. Allow yourself the grace to redefine what “home” means to you, and how sometimes this means creating your “chosen family.”
Dave started having his own holiday events with friends and chosen family after becoming estranged from his birth family: “It’s so much fun, and we all look forward to it!”
5. Limit social media. While you’re at it, go ahead and limit any of the cheesy holiday movies that bother you as well. Just because everyone else is watching certain holiday movies does not mean you have to as well. Keep watching those true crime shows; they stay in all year!
Matt agrees. “I always felt like I had to watch certain movies that were on television, since everyone was talking about them. But they actually put me into a bad headspace since they reminded me of my childhood– which was not a good time at all! Instead, I watch movies that take place in the summertime. It might sound silly, but it helps!”
It’s possible to create a sense of belonging within yourself, even when external circumstances feel chaotic. Celebrate the strength it takes to navigate this time, and remember that you are not defined by your past.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.