Parenting doesn’t stop when your child turns 18 or moves out of the house. Yet, many parents mistakenly believe that once their child becomes an adult, they’ll openly share their problems if they arise.
Based on my experiences coaching parents, adult children often mask their struggles with bravado, silence, or surface-level smiles. Recognizing the hidden signs that your adult child is struggling can make all the difference in their life—and yours.
Here are some often-overlooked signs, told through relatable stories, and how you can respond effectively.
1. Uncharacteristic Distance
When 27-year-old Quinn started canceling family dinners and replying to texts with single-word responses, his parents chalked it up to a busy work schedule. In truth, Quinn had lost his job months ago and was too ashamed to share his financial struggles.
What to look for:
- Reduced communication frequency.
- Avoiding visits or calls, especially when previously consistent.
- Excuses for skipping family events.
How to respond:
Instead of pressing them with questions, try a nonconfrontational check-in:
“I’ve noticed we haven’t seen much of you lately. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?”
Let them know your concern stems from love, not judgment. Creating a safe space can encourage them to open up without fear of criticism.
2. Irritability or Mood Swings
Lena, 31, was always known for her upbeat demeanor, but, lately, her family noticed she snapped over small things. She lashed out at her younger siblings for borrowing her belongings and became defensive when asked about work. Beneath her irritability was a battle with anxiety that she hadn’t shared with anyone.
What to look for:
- Sudden defensiveness or anger.
- Mood swings disproportionate to the situation.
- Overreacting to well-meaning questions.
How to respond:
Avoid taking their outbursts personally. Instead, use calming language to show empathy:
“I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed right now. I’m here if you need to vent or talk things through.”
Encouraging a conversation about underlying stressors can help them constructively process their emotions.
3. A Sudden Change in Lifestyle
Eli, 29, had always been careful with money. He was known for his steady job and balanced social life. His parents were confused when they noticed he frequently asked for cash and avoided work-related conversations. Eli was dealing with gambling debt and felt trapped in a cycle of shame.
What to look for:
- Irregular spending habits or financial instability.
- Signs of overindulgence in substances, hobbies, or risky behaviors.
- Neglecting previous responsibilities, like bills or relationships.
How to respond:
Express concern without criticism:
“We’ve noticed some changes that seem unlike you. If something happens, we’d like to support you however we can.”
Gently offer resources, such as financial advisors or therapists, and emphasize that everyone faces challenges.
4. Subtle Expressions of Hopelessness
During a recent phone call, Fiona, 25, casually mentioned that she felt “stuck” and didn’t see things improving anytime soon. Her parents initially dismissed this as a passing mood, but her tone lingered in their minds. Fiona was quietly struggling with depression, and her offhanded comment was a disguised plea for help.
What to look for:
- Statements like “What’s the point?” or “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
- Complaints about being stuck or unmotivated.
- Withdrawal from hobbies or activities they used to enjoy.
How to respond:
Address their comments with openness:
“When you said [specific phrase], it worried me. How have you been feeling about things lately?”
Encourage them to explore professional help if needed, reassuring them it’s a sign of strength, not weakness.
Why It Matters
When adult children struggle, they often feel the weight of societal expectations to appear “put-together.” Many avoid burdening their parents out of fear of disappointment or rejection. As a parent, recognizing the hidden signs of distress can be your child’s lifeline to move forward.
Remember: Patience, empathy, and a willingness to listen are your most excellent tools. If your child hesitates, remind them your love isn’t contingent on their achievements or failures.
Parenting in adulthood may look different than in childhood, but the same truth applies: Showing up for your child—especially when they’re hiding their pain—can change everything.