Tantrums are never pleasant to be around. I was in a store paying for some items, and all of a sudden, a little girl not more than five years old began screaming at the top of her lungs and flailing her arms, “I want Gatorade! I want Gatorade!” while her mother, probably embarrassed, calmly responded with “we have Gatorade at home honey.” You can probably imagine that the scene didn’t stop at that, but I left the store and don’t know the ending, but what I do know is that it was a tantrum.
We’ve all been around a child in a store who wants a toy or something and starts screaming and lashing out in seemingly uncontrollable behavior in public or in the privacy of their home. When it’s a child, our response might be empathy or perhaps judgement because it’s a child. Adults have tantrums too—we’ve all been witness to acting out behavior on the part of someone who we thought was a perfectly rational adult, and instead, lost their cool and behaved in ways that you’d expect of a five-year-old. But when it’s an adult exhibiting behavior that boils down to a tantrum—what do you do, and what do you say, especially if it’s someone you know—might even be your partner?
There is a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. A tantrum is a behavior aimed at “I want what I want now,” and a meltdown is a heightened upset about something. A child having a meltdown for example, might be upset because they just can’t understand the math homework whereas a tantrum is wanting something, rational or not, right now—might even be Gatorade. When it’s a child, there is a plethora of reasons behind the tantrum, including poor frustration tolerance, a missed nap, or hunger. An adult tantrum might look like this: you’re waiting on line to get into the theatre and someone starts making a scene, yelling and cursing because they feel entitled, for some imagined reason, not to have to wait on line like everyone else. Or when, for example, a roommate starts yelling, screaming, throwing things, and insisting that their loud music is what everyone needs to hear.
The tantrum is the inappropriate behavior—yelling, screaming, lashing out, or throwing things in order to get their way. When an adult has a tantrum, you would imagine that there might be more control over the situation, though what defines the tantrum is the fact that there is no control, and getting their way is the goal. What you do when an adult around you is having a tantrum, and, more importantly, how you respond, just might be the thing that escalates or de-escalates the situation. Here are three simple tips for handling a tantrum when it’s an adult.
- Ensure your personal safety: Be sure to get yourself out of the line of fire whether their behavior is verbal or physical. They are temporarily out of control, and your safety comes first.
- Don’t engage: It sounds simple, but the first response might be to try to reason with them. That seldom works. The tantrum is about them, not about you, and any attempts to engage will be unproductive and might exacerbate the situation until they are ready for a rational intervention.
- Wait for them to regain their composure before engaging whatsoever: There will come a time when the tantrum dissipates and only then can you begin to interact. Any sooner is feeding into the dysfunctional, inappropriate behavior with little chance of being heard.
Out-of-control behavior on the part of an adult warrants rethinking how to interact in a constructive manner. If there is someone you know that has repeated or consistent tantrums, you might want to consider this—be sure that it is not you who is making matters worse by reinforcing bad behavior and giving in to their demands in order to circumvent the tantrum. Working with a therapist would probably be helpful in providing strategies to deal with adults that have repeated tantrums. Adult tantrums are not uncommon, and knowing what to do and what not to do might just be what needs to happen now.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.