How to Heal From Toxic Relationship Patterns

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Let’s be real: We all have patterns in relationships. For some of us, it’s the tendency to attract emotionally unavailable partners. For others, it’s jumping into relationships too fast or staying too long in something that’s not right. These patterns can feel like they have a grip on us, repeating over and over, leaving us feeling frustrated and stuck.

As a therapist, I’ve seen these cycles play out in countless clients—and I’ve been caught in them myself. I know what it’s like to repeat the same mistakes, hoping for a different outcome. But here’s the truth: You can’t break a pattern without first understanding it. And most of us have been running on autopilot, not even aware of the deeper issues driving our behavior.

In Single on Purpose, I talk about the importance of exploring our patterns and breaking these cycles. If you don’t address the root cause of your patterns, you’ll continue to attract the same kind of relationships, over and over. But if you’re ready to break free and create healthier, more fulfilling connections, it’s time to look inward.

Here’s how to start healing from toxic relationship patterns and break the cycle.

1. Identify Your Patterns—and Their Roots

The first step to breaking a cycle is identifying what the pattern actually is. This requires getting brutally honest with yourself about your past relationships. Do you find yourself dating the same type of person over and over? Do your relationships tend to end for the same reasons? Do you often feel unfulfilled or resentful?

Therapist’s To-Do: Grab a journal and map out your relationship history. Write down your key relationships and identify any common threads—whether it’s the type of partner you attract, the dynamics that play out, or how each relationship ends. Be specific. The more detailed you can be, the easier it will be to spot your patterns.

Once you’ve identified the pattern, dig deeper. Ask yourself, Where did this come from? Often, our relationship patterns are rooted in childhood experiences, unresolved trauma, or beliefs about love we picked up along the way. For example, if you always end up with emotionally unavailable partners, maybe it’s because you learned, early on, that love is supposed to be hard to get.

2. Challenge Your Old Beliefs About Love

Many of us are operating under outdated or toxic beliefs about love—beliefs that have been passed down from our families, society, or even past relationships. These beliefs shape the way we approach love and influence the kinds of partners we choose. The problem is, if these beliefs are negative or limiting, they’ll keep you trapped in unhealthy patterns.

Therapist’s To-Do: Identify the core beliefs you hold about love. Do you believe that love has to be hard? That you have to sacrifice yourself for a relationship to work? That you’re not worthy of a healthy, fulfilling relationship? Write down these beliefs and then ask yourself: Are these beliefs serving me or are they holding me back?

I challenge the belief that love is supposed to complete you. If you believe that your happiness depends on finding a partner, you’ll always be at the mercy of relationships. Instead, try shifting your belief to I am complete on my own, and love is an addition to my life, not the answer to my happiness.

By challenging your old beliefs, you create space for healthier, more empowering ways of thinking about love.

3. Do the Inner Work Before Jumping Into Another Relationship

One of the most common mistakes I see—both in my clients and in myself—is jumping from one relationship to the next without doing the inner work. We think the next person will be different or that we’ll feel better once we’re with someone new. But the truth is, if you haven’t healed from your past patterns, you’ll carry that unresolved baggage into the next relationship.

Therapist’s To-Do: Take time to focus on yourself before jumping into another relationship. This is your time to do the inner work—whether that’s through therapy, journaling, meditation, or simply taking a break from dating. Reflect on your past relationships and take responsibility for your role in the patterns that have played out. What have you been avoiding? What needs healing?

4. Redefine What Healthy Love Looks Like

If your past relationships have been toxic or unhealthy, it’s time to redefine what love actually looks like for you. Many of us grew up with dysfunctional examples of love, and we don’t realize we’re carrying those into our adult relationships. If you want to break the cycle, you have to create a new definition of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Therapist’s To-Do: Take some time to write out your new definition of love. What does a healthy relationship look like to you? What qualities do you want in a partner, and what kind of dynamic do you want to build? Be specific. If you’ve never had a healthy relationship, it can be hard to know where to start—but think about the qualities that make you feel safe, respected, and loved.

Toxic relationship patterns don’t just disappear on their own—they need to be addressed, understood, and healed. But the good news is, you have the power to break the cycle. By identifying your patterns, challenging old beliefs, and doing the inner work, you can create a new path for yourself—one that leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.