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As Christmas approaches, many of us are busy selecting presents for our loved ones. As we fill our shopping carts or consider gifting money or experiences to them, the act of gift selection and giving becomes one of the highlights of the season. In this process, it’s worth pausing to reflect: Are our Christmas gifts truly about spreading happiness, or could they be unconsciously tied to hidden expectations and attempts to influence others?
As a therapist, every January I hear clients’ accounts of Christmas holidays—and I often see people having been left disconcerted or even upset about feeling “unseen” because of some poorly chosen gifts. Perplexed and sometimes tearful they ask, “Why would they get me this? Don’t they know me at all?”
Sometimes, without realizing it, the gifts we choose conceal deeper emotions, such as envy, anger, or even a desire to control. In this article, I want to unwrap how control might show up in your holiday gift-giving so that you can be mindful of when you are choosing a gift based on your agenda and expectations, rather than giving something purely with the hope of bringing joy to the other.
1. Gifts that come with “strings attached”
There are presents that come wrapped with an unspoken (or sometimes quite explicit) expectation of reciprocity.
Consider the example of a parent offering to pay for their adult children to join them on a family Christmas vacation at a cozy cabin in the mountains. If their hope is simply to gather the family and create cherished memories, we can safely call that an act of generosity.
But if they expect and/or demand that everyone spends every meal with them or follow their itinerary to the letter, the giving becomes less about connection and more about control. The message is “I am paying, so you need to do as I say.”
What is expected in return—as we see in this case—doesn’t have to be financial to feel controlling; it can be expectations of availability, attention, help—anything. Of course, it is natural for a paying parent to hope for moments together as a family on the trip—but there is a difference between hope and expectation.
It isn’t much different from a relative who gifts an expensive gadget and then, in return, expects help with tech issues whenever they call. It may appear generous on the surface, but the expectation creates pressure and undermines the spirit of giving.
2. Retaining power or influence
Sometimes gifts are given with the hope that we’ll continue to exert power or influence on the other. For instance, imagine a grandparent who showers grandchildren with extravagant presents, expecting their financial generosity to secure a position of influence over how the family celebrates or manages time during the holidays.
If you are unconsciously trying to elicit a sense of guilt or pressure on the other (the unconscious message being “with so much I have given you, you owe me”) then your generosity is expressing a desire to control in disguise.
3. Imposing an identity on the other
Even the choice of the gift itself can express a desire to control—like choosing something that you might want for the other, rather than something you think they will like for themselves. These are gifts that come with a hidden agenda: You trying to impose an identity on them, trying to guide how you think they should be.
Imagine insisting on giving your t-shirt-wearing partner a collared shirt for Christmas, hoping they’d wear more formal clothes, even if they’ve shown no interest in the past three shirts you’ve bought for them. Or buying a fitness tracker for a child who has never shown any interest in sports.
These actions come from a desire to shape others into what you want them to be rather than celebrating who they are. Even if a part of you has a good intention (you might think they’d look great in a collared shirt, or that exercise would be good for them), you haven’t considered how your present might make them feel. Chances are that the impact will be negative and your message is better delivered through a conversation at a different time rather than a present feels controlling.
How to Reflect on Your Gift-Giving Intentions
So before you make choices this year, ask yourself:
- Am I choosing this gift because I think the recipient will love it, or because I want to nudge them toward something I think they should like or do?
- Am I imposing my view of who they should be, rather than celebrating who they are?
- Does this gift come with any unspoken expectations about how they should behave or respond?
If you find yourself leaning toward control, pause and reframe your approach. The best gifts show that we’ve listened, understood, and valued the other’s unique preferences and desires.
Receiving Controlling Christmas Gifts
Of course, the flip side is receiving gifts that feel controlling or mismatched. If this happens, try not to assume the giver intended harm. Often, controlling gifts stem from unconscious desires, like a parent struggling to let go, or a friend projecting their own interests onto you.
If the pattern is ongoing, consider addressing it with gentle humor or honesty. For instance, if a relative keeps giving you formal clothing when you’re a casual dresser, you might say, “I see you’re really hoping to see me in collared shirts!” Delivered with the right tone, this can open a conversation and allow you to set boundaries without conflict.
The Spirit of True Christmas Generosity
Christmas gifts are more than objects—they’re symbols of connection, thoughtfulness, and care. When we give without strings attached, we create space for authentic joy and meaningful relationships. This holiday season, focus on gifts that celebrate the recipient for who they are, not who you want them to be.