Cassandra felt hopeless. “The police keep telling me to get a protection order, but it keeps getting denied because I haven’t had any physical abuse,” she explained. “But my ex keeps driving by, posting about me online, making false reports to my job and to child protection… she won’t stop until she ruins my life!”
Protection orders are touted as a key legal tool for victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) and are frequently the first suggestion for those offering support. “Get a protection order” is often the advice offered by law enforcement, who otherwise throw up their hands in most IPV situations. However, while protection orders may seem like a simple solution, they often fail to stop abusive people—particularly those who employ nonphysical tactics of control and harm3,5.
The difficulty of the legal system in recognizing nonphysical abuse
On average, it takes a victim seven attempts to leave before staying away from a partner for good, often due to how difficult it can be to leave an abusive relationship1. Exiting a relationship is the most unsafe time for a victim, as the abuser senses they’re losing power and will often act in dangerous ways to regain control over their victim.1 If the abuser can no longer put their hands on a victim due to proximity or fears of the law, they will wrap their hands around the victim with a different kind of hold: psychological abuse.
A key challenge in domestic violence law is the difficulty in addressing psychological abuse, such as manipulation, harassment, slander, and legal abuse, among other tactics used to maintain control2. While physical violence can be more easily documented with medical records or police reports, nonphysical forms of abuse are much harder to identify and substantiate4. Even when an order is granted, it typically offers limited protection, especially if no life-threatening physical violence has occurred3,5. This is often why the similar, but also unhelpful, direction to victims to “Call the police if they come near you” is equally frustrating, as this often leaves the victim waiting until there is an imminent threat of physical violence.
Abusers Exploit the System
This focus on physical abuse makes these tactics go unnoticed—and unstopped—for much longer than society would allow physical violence. Abusers know this, so they often switch to nonphysical tactics in order to maintain control with impunity.
As a result, the legal system itself becomes used as a tool to further abuse. Navigating the legal system can be a traumatic and overwhelming experience for victims, especially those who are already facing emotional, financial, or psychological distress. The legal language used in protection orders and other court documents is often complex and inaccessible, requiring victims to interpret convoluted legal jargon during an already difficult time.
As a social worker, I’ve seen firsthand how even those with a strong education or legal background struggle to understand these documents. If they face challenges navigating this system, how can we expect victims with little legal experience to do so effectively?
The difficulty of understanding how to protect oneself legally creates a power imbalance in court proceedings, which further exacerbates the problem. As a result, abusers often use the courtroom to manipulate and control the victim. They may file false claims, spread malicious rumors, or present distorted versions of events—all with little to no consequence. The victim is then placed in the position of defending themselves while the abuser continues to wield the legal system as a weapon, often free from perjury charges. This lack of accountability in the courtroom ensures that victims remain at a disadvantage, unable to effectively combat the continued abuse.
This Puts the Burden on Victims
When a protection order is violated, the process of enforcing it can feel like an extension of the abuse experienced. “It’s like I have to prove it beyond a doubt, and even when I do, the judge still gives them the benefit of the doubt!” Cassandra says, echoing words I hear every week from different victims navigating a disjointed legal system.
It is common that different judges handle each violation, requiring the victim to repeatedly recount their traumatic experiences. This repeated retelling not only revictimizes the person but can also undermine their case. The new judge may only have access to the most recent violation, leaving the broader history of abuse—often the key to understanding the perpetrator’s ongoing pattern of control—largely invisible. Without the full context, these violations can seem less serious, leading judges to dismiss them as “just one phone call” or “a misunderstanding.” This makes it all too easy for abusers to escape accountability, continuing their harmful behavior while victims remain trapped.
Like Cassandra, many victims find that judges will dismiss the nonphysical forms of abuse taking place, such as harassment and stalking, until things get physical. Like Cassandra’s ex, abusers know this: They exploit the system’s blind spots to maintain control.
The legal system’s failure to recognize and address nonphysical forms of abuse leaves many victims trapped in cycles of manipulation and control. Judges, law enforcement, and society at large must recognize the full scope of intimate partner violence and work toward more effective protections for victims, particularly in cases of psychological and emotional abuse. Until then, the legal system will continue to be a battleground in which the abuser often holds the upper hand, and victims continue to bear the burden of fighting for their safety and freedom.
This post is excerpted, in part, from my book It’s Not High Conflict: It’s Post-Separation Abuse.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or an unsafe relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.