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Parenting can feel like a series of emotional tug-of-war moments, from temper tantrums to teenage outbursts and everything in between. I encourage parents to make a transformative shift that eases these tensions: See yourself not as a “stuck” or frustrated parent but as your child’s emotional regulation coach. This perspective shift allows you to model calmness, avoid taking things too personally, and provide crucial empathy, reducing stress and your child’s reactivity.
Why Shift to Being an Emotion Coach?
Viewing yourself as an emotion coach redefines your role. It helps you step back from your child’s behavior, seeing their emotional outbursts not as personal attacks or failures in your parenting but as opportunities for guidance. With this shift, you create a supportive space for emotional learning and reduce the pressure to “fix” every conflict. Instead, you teach your child how to handle difficult emotions and show that you’re a safe person they can rely on.
Here’s how adopting the mindset of an emotion coach benefits you and your child, whether they’re in elementary school, high school, or adulthood.
Elementary Age: Teaching Self-Soothing Through Modeling
Imagine your 6-year-old, Sam, who melts down in the middle of the grocery store because he can’t have a toy he spotted. Your instinct might be frustration, embarrassment, or a desire to get him to stop by offering something he wants. But, as his emotion coach, you can shift your response.
Instead of reacting, take a deep breath, crouch to Sam’s level, and say, “I can see you’re disappointed. I feel disappointed sometimes, too.” By doing this, you’re modeling how to process emotions calmly and validating his experience. You’re teaching him that while his feelings are valid, there are ways to express them respectfully. This builds a foundation of emotional awareness, showing Sam that big emotions are manageable and not something to fear.
In my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I explain how, as an emotion coach, you aren’t punishing your child for their reaction or shutting down their feelings. Instead, you’re guiding him to recognize and handle his emotions, laying the groundwork for better emotional resilience. The more you practice this, the more your child learns to manage these emotions independently, ultimately making your life less stressful.
Teenage Years: Navigating the Waves of Adolescence With Empathy
Now, let’s consider Ella, who’s 16 and increasingly withdrawn. She snaps at you after school, rolling her eyes when you ask how her day went. Rather than taking it personally, pause and put on your “emotion coach” hat.
As her coach, you recognize that teenage years bring intense, often unpredictable emotions. You might say, “It seems like today was tough for you. I’m here if you want to talk or need anything.” By responding this way, you’re showing her that she has a safe, nonjudgmental space with you, even when her emotions are all over the place. You’re also demonstrating the value of empathy—one of the most important skills a parent can show their child.
When you avoid the common pitfalls of taking her reactions personally or demanding immediate respect, you model how to handle reactivity without escalation. She may not respond immediately, but your empathy and understanding consistency will build trust. Over time, Ella may start opening up, recognizing that you’re a support system, not a judge.
This approach also reduces your stress. You’re no longer reacting defensively or engaging in power struggles. Instead, you’re remaining calm and steady, allowing her to experience and learn from her emotions in a safe space.
Adult Children: Providing Steady Guidance and Avoiding Old Patterns
Being an emotion coach may look different with adult children, but it is equally important. Let’s say your son Alex, now 27, struggles with his career and frequently calls you defeated. He might vent about his job and even make hurtful comments when you try to offer advice.
Instead of feeling disheartened or defensive, you can approach Alex with the mindset of an emotion coach. Remind yourself that he’s grappling with his frustrations, not lashing out at you. You might respond, “I can hear how frustrating this is for you. It’s a tough spot, and I believe in your ability to work through it.”
By providing a listening ear and avoiding the impulse to “fix” his problems, you’re modeling how to handle stress and disappointment without escalating. This kind of supportive, calm response often encourages adult children to come to their solutions, empowering them rather than making them dependent on you for answers.
This coaching mindset is freeing for you. You’re no longer carrying the weight of his struggles or feeling responsible for his happiness. Instead, show him that you believe in his resilience, reducing your stress and strengthening your bond.
The Lasting Benefits of Being an Emotion Coach
This shift from “parent” to “emotion coach” might feel subtle, but the benefits are substantial. By consistently offering empathy, validation, and calmness, you’re equipping your child with tools that will serve them for life. You’re also less likely to take their outbursts to heart, giving yourself the emotional buffer to maintain patience and compassion.
Each age group brings unique challenges, but when you approach parenting from the perspective of an emotion coach, you become a steady anchor in your child’s emotional development. You’ll feel less stress and more fulfillment, knowing you’re guiding your child toward emotional resilience and strength—one calm interaction at a time.