How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
This light-hearted riddle highlights the importance of an individual being empowered for change for a shift to actually happen.
When things are difficult, we often wish for the situation to change without having to change ourselves. But without active focus on change, we’re often stuck circling around a process of either attempting to repress the issue (which doesn’t work in the long run) or repeating unhelpful habits (which only ends up leading to more misery). Even habits like repetitive self-blame can serve as an avoidance or stuckness pattern, such as when someone might deem themselves a loser for not having finished school or reiterate a myth that they are unworthy of having positive relationships.
Whether or not someone is in therapy, having some ideas about goals and personal growth agenda items is helpful. Deciding to take an honest assessment of what is happening and what is the next best step allows more forward motion. By focusing intention and taking an active role in change, opportunities for shift open up.
Let’s examine several metaphors that might assist in illuminating this point further.
Empowerment: Get in the Driver’s Seat
Many individuals struggling with life stressors, internal and external, sometimes get into a situation of being more hopeless about being able to influence the direction of their forward motion. While naturally we are not able to control all things, there are some things we can control. We might not, for instance, be able to change life events leading to a distressing transition or a diagnosis that impacts daily functioning; however, we can be in charge of how we cope with the situation. In hard times, some people get out of the driver’s seat and sit in a less empowered seat; while this might feel safer for a while or even sometimes feel like the only option, generally this leads to more stuckness if taken on as the permanent position.
Some individuals may believe or hope that a therapist, partner, or family member is going to be driving and making all the decisions; however, if we are considering the hard step of change, one of the first things we often need to do is to develop or to find autonomy in terms of choosing the next right move. We can ask for help, have navigational assistance, and break at rest stops, but our success is dependent upon us taking some responsibility for this journey. We may not appreciate that the speed is slower than we would like, that the radio is malfunctioning, or that there have been lots of potholes along the way; however, there are always parts of our life about which we can take more active ownership.
The Benefits: Move Through the Muddy Swamp
If we were hiking through the woods and came upon a muddy, smelly swamp, we might work really hard to go around it, hop over it, or avoid it altogether. But if continuing our path forward is dependent upon traveling through this section of the forest, we might ultimately need to go through the muddy swamp. We might need to put on our rubber boots and pull out a hiking pole to make it safely across. We might get dirty, get slime on our hands, and see rotting carcasses along the way; however, we can find a way to take those steps if we can keep the bigger goal in mind.
When we incentivize ourselves with remembering the ultimate target on the other side of this difficult terrain, such as envisioning that beautiful meadow (i.e., improved life or more satisfying relationships), the footsteps can become lighter. Keeping attuned to the ultimate mission may not make the steps automatically easier, but remembering the benefits helps to offset the costs. Each individual needs to figure out their targeted objectives of knowing their way so they can figure out their how.
Action: Climb Out of the Well
Sometimes life difficulties can feel like we have fallen to the bottom of a dark, dank well. There may indeed be a rudimentary ladder off to one side or perhaps a caring individual up at the top of the well has let down a ladder into the well, but individuals at the bottom of the well are often focusing primarily on the overwhelm of the slippery walls. They may feel frustrated with how far away the well opening appears and how there do not appear to be any obvious handholds.
But overfocusing only on what isn’t working or how dreadful a situation is tends not to necessarily translate to helping us turn to what might work. We need to eventually make the painful shift toward approaching the ladder and beginning the long ascending slog. We may struggle to grasp tightly at first, we may periodically slip on a step, and we can get discouraged with how long the climb is taking; however, focusing on the small steps that bring us closer to the light at the end of that dark tunnel allows to keep moving upward and onward.
Realism: The Elevator Is Broken
When someone is struggling with life burdens and difficulties, it can be so tempting to just wish for a quick fix. We all have fantasies of avoiding the hard work and wishing for the recovery journey to be magically resolved; however, the elevator is broken and we must take the stairs. This is slower and more laborious and tends to take much more effort, but this is also how the majority of the deliberate, steady, longer-lasting progress is made. And even if an elevator were miraculously available, we might argue that there would be disadvantages of simply being a passive passenger on a flight into health, including greater risk for relapse and decreased opportunity to fully embrace the sense of well-earned pride in the process.